Peel Me a Grape, Would Ya?

Mwahahaha. The first step in my Plan of World Domination is complete. On to step 2: Acquiring minions to do my bidding. Step 3: Decide what my bidding actually is. Step 4: Profit.

I am now, officially, a Master (of the Universe) (ok, of science) (whatever).

The line to fan me with palm fronds while hand feeding me fruit starts over there.
Minion applications should be filled out in triplicate and turned in over there.
And suggestions for tasks for the minions may be put in that box over there.

Poor AND Stupid, Its a Winning Combination, Yes?

Are you a Nigerian e-mailer who would love to send me large sums of money for no reason? Apparently, I am the mark you are looking for.

I really thought I was savvy about this scam stuff, but I just got taken for $90.00. Supposedly, it will be returned to me, but it hasn't been returned to me yet, so I'm not holding my breath. Heck, it might be mostly legitimate but shady enough that I feel completely stupid. So.

The Background

I was suckered into a free "sample" after reading a story, supposedly posted by a reporter for CNN Online. The story was about getting whiter teeth for much less money. I got special promotional deals on the shipping and paid 99 cents. Please re-read. I paid 99 cents for a free sample. I will give you a minute to contemplate.


Anyway, I received the product. Just the product. No terms and conditions. No return information. Nothing. A tube in a box. Except for a little glossy sheet of paper with the words "risk free trial" and money back guarantee. Please note. This is important.

I used the product and hated it and put it away. I thought, "Its weird that says risk free trial, not free sample." Then I was distracted by something shiny.

Two Weeks Later

A charge for 87.62. And then, THEN I googled the company. (Tip: Always google first.) Hm, these people all got hit with multiple charges. Could not get their money back. I am an idiot.

So, I've jumped through all the hoops. Held my mouth just exactly right, clapped three times, turned in a counterclockwise circle, acknowledged the goddesses of the four corners, and stood on one leg. (I tried to send the package back to the return address on the website. Took it to the post office. Put it in the box. Then I called the company. This is the wrong returnaddress. But, its on your site... and the rep basically yawns and says, "What is your point? You are supposed to call first." So, I called the post office and the very pretty woman with the gorgeous skin and the fabulous hair pulled it for me ON A FEDERAL HOLIDAY and let me come pick it up. So I called the company back and got the correct address. And supposedly, if I call in a few days and its been delivered and give them the tracking number, I get refunded in 5 - 10 business days). Now, we will see. But I've never seen a more complicated return policy. I think the problem is, the more complicated they make the policy, the less likely people will manage to do it, and the less likely people are to get their money back. So, not exactly a scam, but not exactly NOT a scam either.

Please pray for me.

You Know Who You Are and You Know What You Did

Hello Drivers of the Little Rock Metropolitan Area:

Can we chat? Because really. I don't know why you hate me, or why you seem hell bent on killing me every. single. day. We all drive the same way every morning right? We all get frustrated with the stand still traffic where no stand still traffic should exist. But the thing is, its your fault. As I said, we all drive the same way every morning. So we are all aware of the large stretch of construction that has been going on in the exact same place for over a year. We all know its there. We all know its not going to magically disappear over night. In fact, I think we all know that it is in fact NEVER GOING AWAY. So we should all be aware miles in advance that the left lane is closed and we need to merge. But were you aware that if you actually merged in advance, rather than speeding up and cutting in at the last minute, that we could all go the speed limit or close to it and not be standing still? It is your fault that I have to leave the house an hour before work every morning. Do you know what time that is? And do you know what time I have to actually drag myself from the warm embrace of my bed is? Its way too freaking early, that's what time it is. So, I'm already a little, shall we say, primitive? And then you pull this same maneuver EVERY DAY and one morning I will snap and I will rip your head off and spit down your neck. Please be advised. Knock it off.

Now, as to the luxury car drivers. I know you think you are more important than me because your car cost more than my house. But you are not. Get off my butt and cease with the frantic back and forth in the lane. Because surprisingly, this does not give me the ability to move the 10,000 other cars out of my way or give me the ability to fly in order to let your highness through. So sorry. Special note to That One Hag in the Lexus: yes. I am right next to you. No, I have not magically disappeared just because you decide that I am in your lane and need to be gone. Please do not look so shocked when I lay on the horn and make sure you are clear on what I think of you through the use of helpful hand gestures.

People who have nothing left to lose because your bumper is already dragging the ground and your car looks like it already went through the compactor? I'm sorry. Truly, I feel your pain. But I do not want to die, so could you express these feelings in a way that does not involve my wanting to drive with my eyes shut? Every time you guys make a stupid move, I have to inhale. And you make so many, it makes me need to hyperventilate and results in my being completely ragged out before 8 a.m. I need this to stop. Write angsty poetry while blasting Tool or something, would you?

Also, that wet stuff? Falling from the sky? Is rain. You have seen it before. The general rules of driving still apply. We do not need to go 80, but neither do we need to go 25 on the interstate. Please just remember the generally most important rule and we should all be fine: Remove head from sphincter. Then drive.

Thank you for your kind attention.

As you were.

For my next post I'll ask you how much you weigh and how much money you made last year

So. Talking politics is usually a big no-no for me. However, I'm breaking my rule for two things:

Thing the first: I am so sorry to have to inform you, but it is not idealogically possible to be both a Nazi and a Communist. These are different things. You should look them up before you start throwing these labels around all willy-nilly and crazy like. As a subset of this, let's all agree to quit comparing modern political figures to Hitler. Unless or until someone begins the ritual extermination of an entire race of people and starts invading Poland, they cannot be compared to Hitler. Not to mention, its been done. Its boring and cliche and not as shocking as you seem to think it is.

Thing the twoth: Option. Please turn your Merriam Webster to page 516 with me:

1: The power or right to choose 2:a right to buy or sell something at a specified price during a specified time period 3: something offered for choice.

Now, let us apply that to the proposed health care choices. A public option would be a thing that you have the right to purchase or not to purchase. You can choose to purchase this, or you can choose to stick with the healthcare company and plan you already have. The purpose of this choice is to attempt to lower the cost of private healthcare through competition. That is not socialism. That is capitalism. Which brings us back to thing the first, and competing political ideologies.

I Think I Might Be More Insulted Than is Warranted

What is it about me that attracts middle aged crack-heads like moths to a flame? What about me indicates in any way that I might be interested in a date with a homeless junkie? I'm just curious. Don't get me wrong, I sympathize completely with the plight of the homeless, and yes, they deserve love too, but I'm thinking there are more pressing things to be concerned about than lining up a Saturday night date.

Also, dude, when I try to shoot you down gently by pointing out that I am married? Respect. Do not insult me by suggesting that maybe he wouldn't have to know, like I'm some faithless bimbo who can be convinced that your wanting to get in my pants somehow makes me special.

Seriously, seriously barking up the wrong tree. That's all I'm saying.

Good morning

It took me an hour and a half to get to work today because the interstate was blocked off while the state police rounded up pigs.

I really don't think there is anything to add to that.

Pigs. On the interstate.

Really a lot of nothing

People in the fashion industry must have some seriously weird senses of humor.

Exhibit 1. Its 100 degrees here, already, and I cannot find a dress anywhere that isn't 80 lbs of polyester heat stroke on a hanger.

Exhibit 2. I cannot find any shorts that are work appropriate that are not made out of WOOL. What is the purpose of wool shorts, exactly?

Exhibit 3. Why are there shoes that look like sneakers with 5 inch spike heels? What is the appropriate occassion for these? Where does one need to be going to think, "its too casual for heels, its too formal for sneakers...I know! High heeled sneakers!"

Exhibit 4. Harem pants. Harem. Pants. HAREM PANTS.

Exhibit 5. Does anyone actually look good in a drop waist? Or in those pants that double as a support garment? Am I the only one who looks like Urkel in those?

Seriously. I had a very difficult time finding a garment I could put on my body yesterday without wanting to shake my fist at the sky and demand, "Why, God, WHY?!?!?" And yet. Somewhere out there is a girl in a pair of jeans that come up to her armpits, her high heeled sneakers, and some ridiculously complicated shirt. And she is thinking, "Finally, the fashion industry got some sense.

Okay, I don't know what this post is really about, but I'm sick of looking at the last one. Also, the Geico lady called me to inform me Geico was closing the claim and not paying the woman anything because another insurance company is covering it. But then she said, "Do you know this woman?" And I said no, I'd never even talked to the woman, not even at the accident scene. Apparently, the woman was IRATE and determined that Geico was going to pay her. She threatened to get a lawyer and everything. Which...the other company is paying out, so why does it have to be my insurance? But whatever. Far as I know its all over and done.